I have been rolling this post around in my head for quite some time but with all of the moving and minding two kids while my husband is already living afar has finally taken its toll. Sewing skirts seems to relieve me of some of the anxiety I’ve been feeling, so I’ve been sewing and blogging about sewing and taking pictures of my sewing and teaching young girls in the community how to sew. But, still, it lurks, coiled up in my stomach, ready to lash out on my two beautiful, innocent bystanders. I’m setting a poor example lately.
Be anxious for nothing?
I’m anxious, God! I’m ready to be in my new place. I miss my husband. I’m a good parent at best with him by my side. Alone, I’m a failure. The stress of it all is mounting. I can’t send my kids outside to play, because we’re having a severe heatwave. I can’t even let them play in the water hose, because we are in a drought and we got notice that we need to conserve water. I packed up the house and everything that we’re keeping is in storage. I have resorted to letting the kids jump on the couches for fun. They’re going to Goodwill, so jump on, kids. Just don’t bounce through the window.
I’m anxious to start sewing and selling modest clothes, but I can’t begin that endeavor until we are relocated. I’m anxious to finally, finally, finally have high-speed internet.
And then there’s nervous.
I’m nervous, God! I’m nervous because our new neighbor has three huge dogs. I was attacked by our family dog (a doberman) when I was 3, and I do not trust any dog completely, let alone three huge dogs on chains. We only have one neighbor, and it has to be this guy with three huge dogs on chains? We have two dogs of our own. They’re big dogs, but not huge dogs. We’ll be on our own two acres, but dogs follow different territory lines.
I’m nervous, because I will be responsible for leading the song service. Just me on a piano. No drums, no bass, just me in all of my beginner-style piano playing. (I must insert here that I will NOT miss managing the soundbooth. Our current church has lots of talent. The sound system? Not so much.)
I’m nervous, because we will be living in an RV. It’s very big, though—40 foot. But still…. (We will be returning the current loaner back to our pastor.) We don’t want to purchase another house just yet, and we don’t want to waste money on rent. We found an outstanding deal on this used RV, so we are going to live in it and have plans to make the most of it. Evangelize, vacation, family bonding, ….
And then there’s the age-old worry of what if they don’t like me? What if I don’t fit in? It’s always hard to put that middle-child syndrome to rest.
I’m nervous about getting stung by a scorpion. Due to the drought, I have found two scorpions in the last 24 hours in my house: one on my sewing table and one in the kitchen. So now we are all wearing shoes and stepping lively.
Even though financial freedom looms close, we still have one more week to get through. We’ve used a lot of money with the excess trips to and fro our new homestead. One good thing is that since we haven’t had much meat to eat my son has finally broke down and started liking rice and pasta. Hunger brings about drastic measures, lol.
And still I count my blessings. Air conditioning. Clean, fresh water (for now). Washing machine. Dryer. Dishwasher. Refrigerator. These are all luxuries. Plus, two great friends that help me when I need it (thank you, Heather and Sandra!)
Also, someone opened the cord cover floodgate this month, so that has been rejuvenating after a slow July.
I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it’s not a train.
I’m going to rely on what I know works—let go and let God. He hasn’t brought us this far to drop us now.